Lived Experience Forum

[Anastasia]

Thinking of you, hoping you are ok 🙏💙

@saltandpepper 

[saltandpepper]

I just don't think I'm capable of digging myself out of this hole I've put myself in. I can't break away from this relentless shadow. Maybe this is as good as it gets for me. Some days being less shitty than others.

I just feel like shit all the time. I'm trying to fight it off but even when I'm not being weighed down I'm not happy. Aching all the time. Tired all the time. Miserable all the time.

What a weak c*** I am. Gave it a solid 24 hours and what, now I'm done fighting? Well done. What a champ. I told myself to not beat myself up if I fell short, but I can't help feeling like a miserable fu*king failure.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to feel better. I want to be motivated and happy and have my shit together. I want it, but maybe I can't have that. Sounds like a cop out doesn't it? Maybe it is.

I don't feel strong enough to do the things I want to achieve. I can't get my head in gear. Why can't I just get it together? How did I get here? When did I stop trying?

I don't want to be hard on myself even though I know this is pathetic. I know being critical isn't going to help. Can't seem to stop. Me vs depression, depression is winning. It's too strong, too consuming. At least I can pretend, that's something. Force myself to smile and play along with my boy. But that's all I'm good for. Pretending. Faking. Hiding.

Can't do anything. Can't shower, brush my teeth, wash my clothes, clean up, cook, none of it. So pathetic. Gave up so easily. Useless fu*king person. Never been capable. Never been useful. Never been better than this. I hate the way I am. I hate that every little part of my day takes so much energy to get through. I hate that I'm giving in, again. I hate that I talked myself into believing I'd be able to crawl out of it this time. Disappointed in myself. And it's not like this shit is hard to do. Just basic requirements of being alive. Can't even seem to do that anymore, let alone anything else.

I can't shut it out. I can't fight it off. I'm not strong enough. Maybe I used to be, at least for a little while. Not now. I don't have it in me anymore.

[saltandpepper]

I'm stuck. Acknowledging, understanding and accepting the shit that my mother did to me (and my brother), it's had its benefits no doubt. But I'm stuck there. Stuck reliving it. Stuck feeling that pain. It eats away at me. All the time. Everything eats away at me all the time. Nothing feels like it's in the past. Not the shit with her, not the shit with my old man, not the shit that happened to me as a kid. Everything is playing on a loop all the time. One thing after another. I want to shut it out. I want to leave it in the past. But it keeps playing. Over and over. If I could leave all that shit in the past I'd have a fighting chance of getting on top of my depression again. It's all too much. There's too many wounds, too much anger and pain, I can't swallow it all. At least when I was an angry c*** of a person I didn't feel all this so deeply. Anger kept me safe from it. Anger kept me blissfully unaware.

It feels like so many parts of me were stripped away, year after year. Starting with when I was a kid, and just one thing after another after another and now I'm just this shell of a person. Picked apart and all I know is this misery I've been living in all my life. Would I even know how to be happy at this point? Can I even be a healthy and well adjusted person? It doesn't feel possible. Not with all these broken parts of me still being broken and now being painfully aware that they're there.

I don't feel capable of anything. I want to be more than this, but I've never been more than what I am. I'm not sure I believe life will ever look any different for me. There's too much inside of me that's been broken and abused. I don't feel whole. I feel all the pain I should've felt back then. I feel it all like it was yesterday.

[saltandpepper]

Perspective. It's all off. I'm wanting this to be all or nothing. To live my life free from all this pain but that's not realistic is it? It's not all or nothing. I wish it could be.

[Cin]

My heart goes out to you @saltandpepper

[saltandpepper]

Thanks @Cin 

[Anastasia]

@saltandpepper 

I see you

I hear you

I'm so sorry 😔

💙

[TideisTurning]

Hey @saltandpepper, 

I can hear you're struggling quite a lot right now, and I'm sorry. I also hear your frustration and exhaustion, both completely understandable given everything it sounds like has been going on for you. It's really hard to sit with and it sounds like the full extent may've only just recently hit, which I imagine makes it even harder. 

I really want to encourage you to reach out if what you're experiencing right now starts to feel too distressing. You don't have to go through this alone and you are so deserving of support. There's Lifeline, Suicide Callback Service, Blue Knot Foundation or SANE's Helpcentre if you'd just like to speak with someone 1:1 non-urgently. SANE has also recently started offering 1:1 peer support services in the form of book a call and web chats if you feel like that might be more beneficial for you at this time. 

I just wanted to say though that I don't see weakness. I see someone who is trying their very best to hold on and make it through. Someone who might be 'faking it', maybe, but only until they 'make it' so to speak. You have made it to this point, and that's something to pat yourself on the back for. I have seen the amount of support you've provided so generously to others here on the Forums- that, to me, in no way says 'useless' or 'not capable'.  

Holding hope for you that things will improve very soon and wishing you all the strength you may need to get through. Please take good care of yourself. 

TideisTurning ❤️

[saltandpepper]

Cheers @TideisTurning appreciate your support.

Yeah it took years before I really managed to start talking to my psychologist about all that shit. It's not something I'd be comfortable talking to a help line about really. I don't really feel like talking about it anyway. Psychologist tried calling me today but I just don't feel like talking, not even to him.

Thank you for all the kind things you said there, I don't feel like I've been a good forum friend on here lately. Being completely self absorbed. But thanks anyway