Lived Experience Forum

[ViperPixie]

I'm new here and I'm not really sure what to write. I don't know how to share my story because it's never mattered to any one before so I'm not sure why it would now. I never thought I was normal growing up but really what is normal? But I didn't think there was anything wrong with me either. I've always had "my friends" to look after me. I've always heard them, it never mattered to me that I couldn't see them. They have always protected me and raised me. We always agreed that "there is always someone out there who has gone through worse so I just need to focus get my shit together and get on with it". I know there are worse things to go through on this earth and in this life than what I have experienced and lived through but when do I get to say enough is enough?
Yes there is someone out there who has experienced something worse but I managed hit every damn branch on the "what fucked up thing can we put this person through" tree of life.
I managed to ask for help twice in my life because "my friends" weren't being particularly helpful and somehow I found a moment to push through them and ask for help and support. I managed to find "this moment" twice in my life so far, so that's 2x in 33 years and I asked these things from someone who is meant to always be there for me but true to form I got told to "get over it" just like other people do.
And now why is it that someone who says they love me and wants to be there for me can't even bloody ask why I'm crying because obviously I must be having a breakdown I mean ffs yeah im different in my own way, yeah I have a couple of friends that I have never been able to see but why does that mean I can't just get upset over something like "normal" people. Why do the people that say they care the most label you the most?
My "friends" have been there for me my whole life nearly and they know my secrets and my story, something that no other breathing person knows and they have protected me from so many things and I'm so grateful for that. Yes they have landed me in a whole heap of shit because they protected me so well they consumed me and it was nice and warm and dark. I didn't have to make any decisions they did it for me so I could rest and be safe; well so they thought.
They are my only true support, they don't judge or criticise me and they turn everything off so i can breath. When things are in balance it's so calm and peaceful, I get to turn my switch on and feel the sun and remember how to smile and my head doesn't hurt and feel like it's full of scrunched up bits of paper chucked everywhere to the point of feeling like the pressure is so intolerable that I want to rip my scalp open and take it all out and just put back the quiet.
Things aren't in balance right now and my head is getting so full, it's so loud and hurting from the inside out and I just want it to go away 😔

[Lunar]

Hello @ViperPixie

Welcome to the forums, it is nice to meet you 🙂

It sounds like you have been going through a particularly tough time lately and feeling like things are not in balance at the moment? You mentioned that you were crying and no one noticed, because this is a sign that you are ot coping well, has something happened?

It also seems like you are not getting much support at the moment because the peole who care for you are not supporting you in the way that you need and you are not feeling heard? Are you seeing a psychologist or counsellor for extra support at all?

It is good that you have come to the forums for extra support right now, you defninitely deserve it.

Lunar

[ViperPixie]

@Lunar,

Thank you for taking the time to read "one of my moments"'unfortunately they happen and you can't control them but yeah regardless it was a kind gesture that is greatly appreciated.
I wrote the above post in respect to your response to my first post but I forgot to tag you in it and I didn't know how to add that after I had posted it and to finish off I'm sorry it's so long please don't feel obliged to read it if you don't want to, I only intended to answer your specific questions but it was balancing in its own way. For me and my head to be able to put a part of us out there without feeling terrified or judged and thus closed to the idea was a a new experience and kind of exhilarating and freeing in a sense and so we got carried away. And yes I acknowledge my counterparts here in this writing beacuase bo ones looking at us and judging me by my reality, but I will let you know that yes I do have prescribed medications that I take like clockwork at my psychiatrists request and even though he would
Like my "counterparts" gone completely I actually loose my grip on reality without them as they form part of the only life I've ever known and we have navigated through it just fine up until the reality crashing drowning abyss happened in 2015. So in advance thank you if you do read the above post I am always happy to hear other people's views and experiences 😊