Lived Experience Forum

[misskat]

Hi all, I've just joined these forums and am new to this kind of thing so am unsure of what is and isn't ok to say? Please let me know if anything is inappropriate. In the meantime, here's why I'm here. I'll try to keep it short.

I've struggled with mental illness for around 16 years. It gets "better" for a month or so, but then I slip again. My father is an alcoholic and was quite abusive and my mother was his little lap dog that would do/say anything to keep him happy. Being an only child meant I copped all of his moods and outbursts with nobody brave enough to help. I'd finally had enough at 15 and left. My mother (unfortunately) followed and we ended up in a refuge for almost a month before finding a house. I lasted about 4 months with her before I became too much and she had me hospitalised without bothering to get a diagnosis. At that point she had become a Jehovah's Witness and was convinced that Satan had taken over me and therefore she could no longer keep me near her. After no "improvement" at our local hospital, she sent me away to a bigger city to a children's psych ward by myself. I was there for 2 months and didn't see her, only saw my Dad when he came to get me because Mum couldn't risk it in case Satan was still present.

Two weeks after I came home a psychologist declared that living with either of my parents was emotionally and mentally detrimental to me and I could claim independance at 17 and move out. I'd like to say that my troubles were over, but I struggled. I was completely on my own at 17, trying to learn how to survive and look after myself as well as trying to keep up friendships. One by one my friends gave up on me as I fell further and further into depression and eventually I stopped leaving the house.

Things seemed to pick up a bit when I met the man that I now live with when I was 19. I moved in with him a month after we got together - that was 11 years ago. We now have 4 kids aged 4, 2, 1 and 7 weeks. I've suffered perinatal depression since my first son was born in August 2012. There has been no break, I just keep getting lower and lower. I feel that I'm now at rock bottom and am starting to wonder where I go from here. Most of the time there seems to be really only one option for me. I can't talk to my partner because as quick as I get the first word out he's either yelling at me, telling me I'm wrong or cutting me off to talk about his own issues and how bad I make him feel. I still have no friends. I have no family. I've not found a counselor I click with yet and am on a waiting list for another.

I'm just at a complete standstill, it seems. I get up and do the motions of looking after my kids but I'm not enjoying it at all. It makes me angry that my littlest boy is 7 weeks old and I'm yet to enjoy having him here. My other boys are 4 and 2 and my daughter is 1 and I don't have the energy or desire to play with them. I look after them but just don't spend time with them like I know I should, if that makes sense?

I don't know really what I'm expecting from this. I just needed to let some of it out. Maybe seeing it written out will put things into perspective for me. Thank you for taking the time to read.

[Former-Member]

Hi and welcome ot the forums! i'm glad that you have posted. 

I'm a mum and there are some other mums on here who have struggled in similar ways. 4 children under five would be exhausting for anyone and parenting is a tough gig at the best of times. Wow, 7 weeks old 🙂 are you getting some cute smiles yet? Its hard to enjoy these times! When my lil boy was born, my ex seemed to just completely disconnect from the fact that he had another child and just got angry about any interruptions to the routine he expected, so it was difficult and looking back now, i remember feeling similar that I didnt get a chance to enjoy that time.

I also left home early because of the situation though it was complicated and difficult for many years. I now have no contact at all with them.

While you are waiting for your counselling appt/referral to go through, is there any other places you can get some support like gp or child youth health center? Are you able to go to any kindergym or anything like that that might give your older ones a place to run around and for you to be around other mums for the social aspect?

Take care

lj

ps @CheerBear i wonder if you have any ideas 🙂 @Faith-and-Hope you also had your kids close together (a while ago so you may have some insight too 🙂

[CheerBear]

Hi @misskat and welcome 🙂

It sounds like you've been through a lot over a long time. I can imagine how much it feels like you're at a standstill now. It definitely made sense when you said that you're not spending time with the kids the way you feel you 'should'. There are so many people/places/things etc that I think put all kinds of unhelpful ideas in our heads about the way we 'should' be with our kids. For me, I felt so much guilt about not doing things the way I thought I should. While I still get some big pangs of guilt sometimes, over time I have learnt to be a little bit kinder to myself as I know that I am doing the best I can with what I have and that's really all I can do. I too had a handful who were all under five and like you have also spent time both in hospital and in refuge. While I'm sure we have unique experiences, I can understand how incredibly hard it might be/have been. It's ok to talk here about what you're going through or have been through.

I can also understand how hard it can be to have a partner who doesn't seem to be interested or supportive with what's going on. I know now that my partner's dimissive and intimidating attitudes and behaviours towards me and the struggles I had were a part of his emotional abuse. While I really hope this is not what is happening for you, I wanted to let you know that there is support out there to help if it is, and support to help you work out whether it is if you're unsure. 1800RESPECT is a good place to start. Like I said, I hope it's not what's happening for you but the idea of him yelling at you when you've tried talking to him and that he seems to be blaming you for his feelings, made me think it was worth mentioning.

Also PANDA were really helpful when my kids were little. I'm not sure whether you've spoken with them before but if not, it may be worth a try. You can google their details or someone here can link you if you'd like.

I found joining online groups super helpful, as I struggled to get out of the house and felt very isolated. It's great to see you here and I hope we get to know you some more. I found it a bit tricky to get started here but once I got to know my way around I've found it a wonderful source of support. There are so many people here who seem to 'get it' 🙂 If you put the @symbol in front of someone's name it will tag them and notify them - that was a really helpful tip I was given early on.

You're not alone and there's support out there.

Hi to @Former-Member too. Hoping you're well 💛

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @misskat

I am on the run today ..... I won't get back to reading through the detail of this thread until tonight, but I just wanted to swing past and tell you that I had 3 babies under 2yo - one of my newborn twins with major disability and unwell with ongoing specialist treatment and surgery at 7months old ..... workaholic husband never there and a passive-agressive in-law family led by my mil ..... my own family many hours drive away in the country ..... this became 4 kids under 7yo, then 5 under 10yo ..... still with a work-absent husband ..... still with ongoing issues and surgery for my disabled one.

I survived .... we all thrived ..... it is possible ....

Hold tight to hope. I will be back later tonight to chat with you more. You need help and support, and together with this community and the mods, we will find you some.

Mega hugs Hon ..... hang in there .... keep swimming, focussing only on the bare essentials and making time to rest .....

💜🤗💐💕

[misskat]

@Former-Member@ Thank you for your reply 🙂

My GP is just as hard to see as a counselor! I have an appointment but it is 3 weeks away. It feels like forever. My post partum check up will be the Tuesday after this one coming so I'm not sure if this is something that I can talk to my OB about while I'm there?

My Maternal and Child Health nurse has been wonderful and has been pointing me in the direction of play groups and mothers' groups but I really struggle to leave the house at all these days, let alone with 4 kids in tow. Someone's almost always throwing a tanty lately.

[Former-Member]

HI @misskat

Im glad that you have a good maternal and child nurse who is helping you. Grrr.. about having to wait so long for gp appt. can you phone and say that its an emergency?

Yes absolutely you can bring up how you are going mentally/emotionally with your obstetrician, i think that that would be a great idea and let them know that you need some more support sooner. I always try to bring something up and then tell them that i'm fine when they start to ask questions! sigh!

I can only imagine it would be hard with four lil ones to organise and all get out! do you have a friend or family member who could help? Where i used to live there was a kindergym that was open on saturday morning, maybe if there was one for a saturday your partner could help? 

take care

[Faith-and-Hope]

I'm with @Former-Member .... I would put my hand up to OB and tell them that you are really struggling and see whether you can get help that way. My situation goes up and down, and on the less fraught days you can kid yourself that things maybe aren't that bad .... but on the bad days you know they are .... so take action for yourself in any way you can, and know that you are worth it .... you matter .... and your kids deserve a mother who is respected and supported. Boys need to see and hear that as much as girls .... and your kids will take notes about how to treat and be treated from their environment. They are little tape-recorders at that age .....

Let your kids throw tantrums at playgroup .... and you will find other kids throwing tantrums there too ..... you need to find yourself some sistas ..... and any playgroup worth its salt will welcome you with open arms and give you the TLC you need. It's not just for He kids. Playgroup is just as much for the mums. I was a playgroup co-ordinator at
one stage.

🤗💐💕