Hi @CheerBear
Again your words are poingnant, resonative and so personally meaningful. I have my own sea and a little boat that floats in and out at times, to land on a beach. On other occassions I am unable to contend with the waves and off I go into the dark and murky water. I fight and swim just like you, however sometimes it is better to simply just be. When things really rupture my soul, my mind and my sanity the image is a deep dark and foreboding well. Although, I have so many visions of people unknown to me and vivid nightmares. I try to hold onto the visionary people as I see them as guides although at times, disturbing.
I totally believe in you and your abilities to return to life. The 8 sided lime green room is now your temporary sanctuary, please use it wisely. If you need to be alone and snuggled up - just do it. If you need to be in the amazing gardens just do it. If you need company or conversation just do it.
I am so sorry that your medications have caused you so much difficulty, to take it or not is an impermament decision, however it reflects choice and the desperatedly needed mastery at the time. To lose the sense of self that we have built for self protection, when medicalised is frightening in the extreme. To lose perceived intellect and interest in the potential to grow can be a serious side effect. To lose identity and experience loss of pleasure, clarity of mind and function contributes also.
To be trapped in a state of imprisonment and requisite compliance leads the self to debunk.
Please remember YOU are an incredibly valuable and unique person. Your significant strengths are shining through your words. I deeply feel for what you are going through and know somehow you.
Please be kind to you and yes all of the strategies sometimes do not work when the extreme darkness envelopes us. Just do what you can, no force remember, allow yourself to heal and self care.
With so many thoughts Bast
cupcakes and the thought of them are always appreciated thank you 🙂 
