Lived Experience Forum

[Bast]

Hi All - Thank you for your incredible wrap around support and for actually 'getting it'

Now time for - MOVIN ON

I manged to handle the incredibly distressed component of managing the withdrawal of my workcover claim - I recognise that it had to be done and realistically as we all know does anyone actually ;give a s... becuase you have some person crying their eyes out and incomprehnsible on the phone. 

The deed is now done and I have to be grateful because of Karma - I had timed it right, before actual actioning. It is already an amazing relief and I know the further mess of my mind this would have incurred. I had the Union Rep on the phone within moments, and yep instantly sooky, terrified, shaking and so full of self hatred again. 

I am fortuante that I have had a great union rep. Disinctly strong, forceful and encouraging. From there it was so much about a solicitor consulation before getting the umbilical cord finally off my neck. Strangling and ongoing catastophic thoughts were erupting as was the usual overwhelming symptoms of utter desperation, despair and the need to run away on a very permanent basis. 

I am clear that I cannot sustain another round working with such horrendous people. I am also clear that I have never received a criticism in fact have been accoladed for my client work. Call me mental?

I have decided to not consult with the solicitor, I am unwilling to have another 24 hours of the nasty syptoms and loss of sense of self whilst I slide even further to the morass of depression and anxiety that I am already experiencing. Far out - it really hurts.

I went to my private practice yesterday and functoned better - and now have negotited conducting 14 therapy sessions per week - extraordinary considering how hard it has been to cover up the impact of my usual tortuous workplace. 

Today - left the house without the overwhelming experience of fear, panic, impending disaster etc. Still a struggle and really needed to get home. Had a fantastic encouraging session with my MHSW supervisor as usual - and managed to reinstate some confidence and minimise the sense of being stupid, dumb, incompetent that my workplace has overtly made certain I believed. "Keep 'em dumb and seperated" they will do anything for regular pay.

Well - that one is tricky though, major nightmare last night about needing to live on the streets, very graphic and detailed.Our cardboard box was the most important thing we had and I had to ensure the well being of a stray dog.

Anyway - now it is truly decision time about what is right for me - I will see my Gp on Friday and request another med cert. I will then stop the procrastination and give myself some time to heal -  resignation faxed and then it is done. I will somehow have to manage one day at that place in order to sort out my desk, Probably the healthiest thing I could do.

With much luv and many thoughts 

Bast

[Kurra]

A major decision for anyone @Bast. Congratulations. Ypu have weighed it all up in a considered way and by the sounds if it, you have come out a winner.

Wishing you a sound, restful and dreamless sleep tonight. 💕

[Bast]

@Kurra

Thank you truly a sound sleep will be so nice.Wishng you the same

Lotsa luv Bast

[Lunar]

Hello @Bast

So glad to get an update on everything, it really seems like you have reached some clarity about your options in ife at the moment and resignation is part of that. I can hear the relief and confidence in your choice in your post and am I so happy that you are feeling this way at the moment.

Thinking of you and hoping that things aren't too hard for your days of leaving and clearing up your workspace and hoping the process of moving on brings you confidence in that you are doing what you choose to do and have control over, that sounds truly empowering.

Lunar 🙂

[Bast]

Hi all

I get to make a solid decision yesterday and now am confounded again today. It is so much fun as all can imagine. 

Today the HR mythologist texts me and informs me that she would like to send me the IME report. What the?? I had requested this in accordance with all relevant legislation, workplace policies, current EA and have been continuously stuffed around regardless. I was so fortuante to reive an email from the HR mythologist with an impression of some of the report and offerred the opportunity to be further interrogated by the Narcassistic Manager to discuss same. That would have just been lovely for me.

I am uncertain as to this however I think the Union Rep finally became threatening about my rights and the promise of legal involvement. Just don't know for sure.

I read it and started to reply - immediate psychological and emotional response. I am on the slippery slide again - I cry, the anxiety is overwhelming and I am too distraught to keep working on what I chose to do today. Again the fear of no income is chewing at me, like a person who died and ends up munched on by their cats. 

Now having a fabulous time, total fear again and a soggy keyboard. 

I so think of Utiopia - able to just be somewhere safe and Ok to finally experience emotions without the punishment attached at my horrid workplace. I am feeling even sadder and so alone.

Bast

[Bast]

Hi @Lunar

Again thank you for so much postive support. Decisions are not always followed through. I have again and now been encouraged by the union rep to seek legal advise, somehow I managed to sook and sorta communicate at the same time. 

It is probably one of the hardest things I will ever do. To meet with solicitors and establish if I actually have a case, whilst my umbilical cord gets tighter around my neck and the anxiety goes up of the scale and I cry in front of them. Another great scenario coming my way, However, do I live like this forever, hiding with my head in the sand (gotta luv the ostrich principle) completely stuck with the damage. I am so naturally avoidant, just run and keep on going is pretty well the standard response. 

I am horribly afraid and pretty well sooking constantly. I know that it will be better eventually to face this as it will never stop otherwise. I have the image of the client horror repeatedly flashing . All I really want is to hide. 

Being so sad and afraid makes it really hard to go on. Although I do know that one way forward is to face it - just have to find the courage to go and talk with a solicitor my union rep will be present also. I have warned people that I am going to sook and they will have to cope with it at least.

Lotsa luv Bast

[Lunar]

Hello @Bast

I am so sorry to hear that you feel alone in all of this, that is a lot to be coping with all on your own, no wonder you are emotional and struggling to cope. Is there anyone else that you can talk to about all of this at all? Like friends, family or a therapist? It is important to get as much support as possible, I am really glad that you are reaching out here.

Good on you for standing your ground by choosing to seek legal advice and not avoid this issue, that must not be easy so you really need to take extra good care for yourself every day, let the motions come out and cry if you need, that can really help.

Just take things one day at a time, that may make things are little less overhwelming and maybe more helpful to focus on if you are finding it tough to keep on pushing.

Thinking of you @Bast you can do this 🙂

[Bast]

Hi @Lunar 

Many thanks for your again wonderfully supportive post. It is so importnat to me at the moment to be cared about and have rational, considerate advice. I did see the psychologist today that I have attended regularly since all of this bullying actually began, it helps to have someone try and clarify your options and yes I got to practice the full on sook thing again, and believe I am an incoherent idiot.

What helped though most was that I was eventually actually able to be articulate and think clearly. I just despise myself for being so hideously influenced and the sum of all of that is a glorious thinking style that includes the rat wheel (aka rumination, stupidity, hidieousness and incompetency. (amongst many other charming components) 

I am still so afraid and so sad. However I worked with 7 clients therapeutically and I think effectively over the last 2 days. It is crucial to recognise that several of the people I work with have commenced the journey and are willing to speak about 'the deep dark secrets' with me. I am totaly honoured by this. 

I know that I am again fighting it just gets harder every single time. I just need to come to terms with how painful all of this is and stop trying to keep my head in the sand. I am just so struggling with the sense that I really don't know hat to do about anything at all. Probably the best analogy I have for where I am at is just a bit of flotsam influenced by the tides. I know that the fighting is to try and prevent completely drifting out again.

Bast

[girl99]

@Bast

It is so great that after everything hard you have been through that you are still able to get up and go to work and help people.  You are my role model. Good on you for keeping on moving forward.   Thank you for your inspiration. It makes me believe that maybe one day I too might be able to go back to work and be of some use to someone out there

[Bast]

Hi all

So much for the previous decision. I get that I am probably not in a place for making any decsions at all. The Union rep is wonderful maybe. The rep arranged a legal consult, the rep also attended. Yep, I went through the out of control anxiety thing, took what I had to and just cried throughout the interview.

I have now resubmitted the claim as per legal advice. It reinstates the dreadful more pain status. The trigger for me is so difficult. Anything to do with the workplace just dredges up the past bullying and all of the baggage that goes with it.

I did recognise that I was able to have more good days than bad and was able to actually live for a while. Now, I have gone out to sea again because of the work stuff. I just hate that I couldn't sustain myself and after 4 months of torture again surrendered.

At least though I am somehow holding on the SI is very strong again. I am holding onto the fact that last year it came close. I am adamant that they will not have my life as welI I feel so ripped apart over this.

It is so hard to be so tired, sad, anxious and wanting to hide all of the time again, doing anything is almost overwhelming.

Bast