Lived Experience Forum

[GreyTom]

My name is Tom (not my real name). I’m nearly 40 years old. My suffering from mental illness has ravaged my life. These are the facts:

·         I am suffering from anxiety (social, food, general) and depression (perhaps 20 years) caused by violence, and mental and physical abuse as a child and adolescent. Later stress and abuse at work.

·         I have only worked full time for 6 years of my life, another 2 part time. ·        

I have completed an apprenticeship and have attained two diplomas (Management and Business Administration).

·         I have left every job, because of mental illness and stress caused by my work and disagreements with management.

·         I am living with my partner and his family. (We’re together for nearly 20 years)

·         During times of unemployment I have never received unemployment benefits and therefore my partner had and continues to carry the financial burden.

·         I have last worked about a year ago.

·         I have left my last job after a suicide attempt. I have lost all memory of this time and do not remember making the decision to end my life nor do I remember taking steps to do so. This has robbed me of the ability to deal with it properly.

·         I have been treated by several psychiatrists and psychologists before and after. I am taking medication as prescribed.
·         The last year I have deteriorated physically and mentally. I’ve slept a lot. Only my dog keeps me active. I have thought thousands of times about my situation and how I can move on, but I can’t find an answer. I am applying for jobs, but have no replies. I am smart and have something valuable to contribute to any workplace, but I have mental health issues. I am not a team player and working with people is very stressful for me. At this time, I feel like I have no more purpose and am simply a burden to all around me.

Realistically, I don’t see how I can compete to get a job, with my work history. The employer for which I did my best work does not give references and my last job was very basic and is not going to convince anyone to hire me. None of this is helping my mental situation. I feel often very unwell. I have tried everything to get better, had every medication available. I completely understand that most people have a more difficult life than I do and are still able to deal with their life. I think I have heard and contemplated every argument there is.

I don’t feel like there is any excuse for my actions and behaviours. And now I am almost 40. Things are going downhill from here. I’m never going to feel better than I do now and that is a devastating though. I am only alive now, because my death would hurt people I love and I my dog needs to be walked. So there it is. I am writing this, because I wonder if someone has any idea, how I can save my life. Anyway, thank you for reading.

[Zoe7]

@GreyTom Firstly - welcome to the forum.

The first step you have taken - you have reached out for support and that is a massive step to take. You will find many people here who have had similar experiences and who have struggled with similar issues. You are definitely not alone.

I cannot relate to or comment on you 'work' situation other to say that at times the 'boredom' of not working contributes to the alone feelings for me - but I have a job to go back to when I am 'better' - so my situation is very different to yours.

What I can relate to are those feelings that nothing is going to get better and that sometimes I really don't care anymore if they do or they don't. I too only 'hold on' at times because of what the fallout would be if I didn't - and my dog and cat keeps me alive.

I cannot say it does get better or that it will but I can say that the support, care and compassion shown me from the members on this forum have made a difference (many, many times) so I am so pleased you have found us and taken that huge step in seeking support.

Have a look around the many threads for people/advice/experiences that are close to your own (type work/finding work/ etc. into the search bar to link you to some of those threads) and if you have any questions then ask - there will be someone around that can help you out or steer you in the right direction.

Once again - welcome to the forum and being so brave to reach out for help.

Zoe 

[Former-Member]

Hi @GreyTom. I don’t really have any answers for you, I just wanted to let you know that I hear you. Remember, you didn’t choose to be unwell. Your experience and your feelings are valid. It’s sounds like you’ve fought really hard to feel better. It’s hard when we fight and fight and things don’t improve. I am 38 and I haven’t been well enough to work at all for several years now.

All I can say is hold on tight to those reasons you have to stay alive. I too am only here because of the people I love, but mostly for my cat because I know she needs me. Sometimes the smallest reasons are the strongest and the most valuable.

And come here and talk to us when you need a friendly, understanding ear. Sometimes just talking to someone who 'gets it' can help a little.