Lived Experience Forum

[Bast]

hi all

I have been typing my little hert out to you all just to try and make things better. I know that it is just a simple battle with my mind. Today just took too much.

I am just frozen, stuck and drowning again in my well.

I really just want it all to be over - and yet I am being cuddled by a very special cat and being loved.

I will treasure him always as he is a rescue.

Bast

[LouLouMagoo]

@Bast it sounds like you were having a rough night, I am glad you had your cat to snuggle up with. How are you feeling this morning?

[Ma60]

It is amazing how much a pet can help on bad days. My psychologist wanted me to get a pet  I kept putting it off for a few years. Finally relented last year and got a cat. He is great company when I am having a bad day. Both my family and psychologist have noticed a change for the better

[Ash11]

Glad you had the cat to snuggle with! I've been feeling the same today hence why i decided to join these forums. Here's to hoping for a better day tomorrow

[Bast]

Hi @LouLouMagoo @Ma60 @Ash11

Many thanks for your replies. Today has at least been different. And Ash11 I hope you are now travellling a little better also. The too hard stuff hasn't gone away - today I fought the battle and won. It is so incredibly hard to find any interest or motivation at the moment. The Doona, I am certain actually calls out to me - come back it's really lovely in here. Wow what would a psych come up with regarding that one?

I just really dislike how hard it is to even get started to do anything. I used to have it all mapped in my head and be ready to go. Not now...........Excrutiating hours of considering, thinking about all the stuff that will go wrong that i will have no ability to sort. Just some drowning in self doubt.

Anyway today I did get off my butt and deal with the desk and computer crisis, that has been plagueing me for months. Finally I have the home workspace I really need. it really sucks though that i do not have any sense of achievement at all. At least I did it, maybe I will like stuff more tomorrow.

Bast

[Former-Member]

Hi @Bast

Dealing with your desk and computer crisis that had been plaguing you for months whilst feeling the way you did today was an achievement! Tick ✔️ 

You probably don't appreciate that sense of achievement because in your mind you fall short and feel you should of achieved more. But you are not giving credit where it is due - you mad enough progress today and this was good. What were your thoughts at this time that motivated you today?

Motivation is a huge problem for me (possibly because of the enormous stress I am currently under at home in a very difficult situation). So for me to achieve anything I have to go against how I feel and push myself each day on "an act of will". If I do that enough it gets a bit easier but it's never easy. It's always push, push, push as if every day i am walking up a mountain that just seems to huge to climb. Sound familiar?

When that self doubt sets in, again I have to force myself to act against it and just do it. I figure I have nothing to lose by trying. And no one can lose all the time. Sometimes I have to win. And nothing ventured nothing gained. That's boring. I don't like boredom.

But motivation with the grief I am under. What's that? I live on sneer will power. Some days I succeed doing the opposite to what the depression, grief and self doubt dictate, other days I give in. But with a will and with pushing, more days I am succeeding. I can feel like hell at the beginning of the day (mornings are always worse), but once I set goals and do them pushing through I always feel better at the end of the day than I would staying under those covers (totally relate to the doona days). So I keep telling myself that when I have zero motivation.

Today was an achievement - you pushed and got it done. I hope tomorrow is even better for you. If you had three goals you would like to achieve what would they be?

[Bast]

Hi @Former-Member

Your generosity and acclimations for my minor achievement today are just so lovely. At least I am now responding to you from a much more pleasant space. 

To be somehow continuing with achieving goals and plans through grief and all of the ramifications it brings is phenomenal. I sincerely hope that you have the right support available to you. Thank you for your generosity in sharing and encouraging me. Your kindness really matters.

As does your own ability to somehow find the strength to keep on striving. For me, thank you for reinforcing the attempt as OK. 

I need to recognise the words in your post - sometimes it just gets too hard, however make the best of what you can when you are able.

The sadness never stops does it?

Regards and thank you Bast

[Former-Member]

Your welcome @Bast. Just hope I have helped in some small way.

The only support I have is my husband - and he is at his wits end too. It just feels like that "no way out" situation, one that can only be endured a day at a time. I do really understand when you say it just seems all too hard. So I keep pushing towards better days - they have to happen.  I am frustrated now more than anything because it would be nice to have a life. 

And that's why the sadness doesn't stop for me. If I had peace at home perhaps then healing would occur (daughter is totally off the rails), as I can see the good, just don't have the opportunity to really embrace it yet (hope that makes some sense). Hopefully in time....

But I still have good moments with my husband, friends and work - yes, it is making the most of what I can when able. I think you hit the nail on the head there. I think that's all any of us can do, make the most of our lot. And bring some meaning into it. And so I push....

You are so intelligent and lovely. I wish I could take your sadness away....You aren't alone. I am please you are in a much more pleasant space today and I hope that gets even better tomorrow for you x

[Kurra]

Hi @Bast

Those words - It's just too hard - are ones that I've told myself over and over again. They became a massive wall between staying stuck and moving forward.

After many years I decided to use that phrase as a catalyst for action rather allowing them to paralyze me.

Many a time I've been told to be kind to myself and to rest rather than push myself to continue behaving in a manner that was acceptable to me. I tried this going easy idea but it really back-fired big time. As @Former-Member said it can take a huge amount of personal will but for me it's been worth all the effort involved.

Each and every one of us needs to go through the trial and error process to find out what does and doesn't work for us as individuals. I hope you can manage to find the right ones for Bast.

Thinking of you. Luv n Hugzzz 🎶💕🎶

[Bast]

Hi @Kurra @Former-Member

Hi Kurra 

Many thanks for your reply, and encouraging advice. I am doing the bit at a time thing, At least there is some movement going on. I am continuing to work on my 1940's file cabinet for my private practice, I am continuing to strip the wax and have now arranged the suspension files.

Today - I was somewhat 'rattled' when a client very discretely queried my experience with MH. The client was very compassionate and approched the topic from my significant empathy and understanding. We then worked upon the importance of really being 'listened to and heard'. This is still very disconcerting - the facade has clearly broken away. Or did I successfully illustrate that going on is always possible.

For me, at the moment, so many things are too hard and I spend a great deal of time utterly terrified and so sad from the disaster my mind currently is. I did well with all the wonderful theoretical strategies I know, however after 4 months of relentless stressors at work, I finally couldn't do it any more and the sheer overwhelming sadness took over. 

I had a phone call from a kind colleauge and just cried again. It is so hard to climb out of my well and the temptation to drown is so attractive. 

Kurra I know your words are right - I have my private practice to think of, even though i know I look how I feel. It has sustained me for all of this year.

Itis important to recognise that I can do other things as well. Just need to stop the agonising and get started, I know it will help eventually.

Many thank yous and thoughts Bast