Perspective is everything. When situations can't/don't/won't change, perspective can. Perspective is powerful.
I didn't wake up feeling better. I woke up to the same punishing cycle of misery with the added bonus of some new scars I've given myself out of last night's desperation. I woke up feeling weak, physically and mentally. I woke up and wished I hadn't.
I made myself get out of bed at 9am. A vast improvement from yesterday where I didn't get up til 2 in the afternoon. I made the choice to get up, even though my mind and body begged me not to fight. I chose to fight.
I'm thinking about things, as I often do. My perspective needs to change about alot of things. That is what i need to focus on, my perspective, not the situation, not the people, not the destination, not anything but reclaiming a healthy perspective on where I'm at right now.
Life is hard right now, yes. Life has been hard, yes. But I can choose to either wallow in this, or take steps to start living a healthier life. I can not give up. Suicide has always been a tempting offer, but I can not be selfish. My boy is everything to me, I will not let my shitty mental health take me away from him. He needs me. And I want to be here for him. I love him so much.
Yes, it's hard right now. Being a single parent is tough. Dealing with my marriage falling apart is tough. Facing the reality that my ex is possibly moving on is heart wrenching. And being left with so much responsibility is overwhelming. I can not rely on my ex to do her part here. I need to let that idea go that she is ever going to be the parent she should be. If I'm honest she has never been capable of being supportive or loving to anyone. Not me, not our son, not her siblings, not anyone. Pushing her to do more isn't my job anymore. And it's hard, but I need to let go of that idea. I am alone in this. Yes, it's hard, but I'm too focused on the negatives.
I have the best kid in the world here who loves me and seems to think I'm a lot of fun to be around. I can choose to wallow in the pain and suffering I've been feeling, or I can choose to accept that while this is hard, I am also incredibly lucky.
Okay, so work is suffering, but it won't be like this forever. Eventually my son will be off to school and I'll get some semblance of an adult life back in order. This is the hard part. But I need to keep it in perspective. This time at home with my boy is something i can never get back. I'm wasting it. I don't want to waste it anymore. I can be tired, I can be sad sometimes, I can have days where I can't do a lot. But it doesn't have to be this hard. I need to choose to fight. I'm choosing to fight. I'm choosing to change my perspective. I'm going to remind myself that this isn't how it's going to be forever. This is the hardest part.
I don't have to have it all figured out yet. I don't need to have a plan in place. How can I? I didn't plan on my ex leaving me. I didn't plan on being a single parent. So how could I have a plan in place now? I'm expecting too much of myself. Expecting myself to not feel sad or overwhelmed. Expecting myself to somehow get work done while being a parent full time. Expecting that somehow I have to manage my day the way I used to. It's not realistic anymore. It's not sustainable.
I need to take a step back from the work pressure I keep putting on myself. Yes I wanted to get somewhere with my business this year, I had hopes and dreams of where it could be this year. That's changed, but it doesn't have to be tossed aside. I just need to adjust the plan a bit. Maybe it'll take longer, maybe it won't be on the same scale as I'd hoped it would be. But I can still have those things, just not right now.
I need to step back and redirect my focus on the little things. Spending the day with my boy, making happy memories together. I need to find my motivation to live again. I need to be kinder to myself. I need to create a routine, but not beat myself up if I can't stick to it. I need structure, goals, but learn to not feel like a failure if I fall short.
Perspective is all I can change in my life right now. I can choose to keep drowning in misery and never get anywhere and make it all the more difficult for myself. Or, I can accept shit is hard right now, but that's ok. This isn't the way my life is going to look forever. I don't need to have all the answers, I don't need to have it figured out, I don't need to feel like a failure because I'm not where i wanted to be. Of course I'm not where i want to be. Everything got turned on its head this year.
I want to be better, do better, choose to fight, make better decisions, be kinder to myself. I want all that. I want to fight. I don't want to drown. I don't want to give up. I know it's not going to be as easy as flipping a switch and deciding I'm not struggling anymore. There's going to be days where I go back, I'm sure of it. But I'm going to make an effort to be stronger mentally. To keep things in perspective. To not get swallowed up by the fu*king relentless cloud of depression that keeps trying to suffocate me. I won't let it. At least not today.
I'm choosing to fight. I'm choosing to do what I can with the energy and motivation I have. I'm choosing to embrace this time with my boy. I'm choosing to stop beating myself up. I'm choosing to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm choosing to keep my shit in perspective. My boy needs me. I need to do better than this. I need to be stronger. I need to keep fighting.
It still runs through my head, something @Powderfinger said to me on here a long time ago. That I don't have to deal with everything all at once, I can make a choice. And that's what I've been doing, trying to juggle everything all at once and it's not feasible. It's not productive, healthy, sustainable or helpful. I need to let go of some things and keep my attention focused.
Thanks to all who dropped their support on my post last night. It means so much to me. I don't feel like I deserve the outpour of love from you guys but I'm very grateful for it none the less. I can't promise that I won't have nights or days like that again, I'm certain I will. But today I'm making a concious decision to keep fighting and keep things in perspective.
