14th year house bound

[Jacques]

Hi To all, i can across this on youtube, you might like to look at.

Never judge a book by it's cover.  their are some amazing people out their!!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCguq3hTC2M

[Appleblossom]

Mums may not be perfect, but glad you listened to her on that one. @Jacques

So you probably have quite a lot of artistic talent if you have been surrounded by it a lot, it is just a matter of tapping into and developing it.

I think the economics of art is a bit of a joke, sometimes a bad one, but I like that we have a button called "rich text" to press when posting.

When I did primal therapy we were encouraged to reach into and express our feelings in a darkened big red padded room. From that my feelings are probably a bit too labile and changing. It was difficult for my daughters as although I meditated then, I still had a lot of changing moods so they probably did not think me consistent. But the therapy probably stopped me progressing into a prodrome for schizophrenia.

I dont think your social skills are that bad. That you interacted with me and had a caring and feeling response to my situation means that you do have feelings, and they are ethical, but they may be slower moving, your rhythm.

What are social skills?  My son refused to go to school, was put off by all the swearing, misogyny, roughness and desire to get drunk by the other boys.  Now when he answers the telephone I think he can be very charming and businesslike.

My situation and probably everybody who posts here who are juggling with multiple issues so it is easy that misunderstanding occur.

Go gently

[Appleblossom]

Thanks for that link to the homeless piano man. We had a fellow in Melbourne play an old piano and my daughter bought his CD as a special gift for me.  She has a heart too. My dad introduced me to his homeless mates in Hyde Park when we lived in inner Sydney.

[Jacques]

yes i am thinking she may have been right about not distroying them either.

yes i don't understand how a paining is worth so much, i am lucky because the art i like is only ever about $200, yes maybe you are right, but with no imagination it is hard for me do do anything without instructions.

yes i understand, i think my mother really struggles with my changing moods too, they can be so difficult for the ones we love.  i try to isolate myself when that happens so mum does not have to deal with it, but sometimes my mood changes so fast even i get caught offguard.

yes maybe you are right, i think i feel closer to you all on here than i do to anyone at home.

yes i had the same problem when i was at highschool, i can't interact with men my own age because of the same things, i don't drink at all because of my MI i am frightened of becomming an alcoholic, when i wee anyone from school they want to go to the pub, when i tell them i don't drink, you can physically see them move away and try to end the conversation.  and because i have never had a girlfriend or sex i am automattically labled as gay (i am straight) but i feel under so much pressure to sleep with every girl i see, just to prove i am who i am.  i know women have the same problems with weight so i think you understand.

i am glad we are talking, i like talking with you, you are so insightful and supportive.

i hope things are good for you today

Jacques

[Appleblossom]

Thanks I like talking to you and the general tone of these forums.

@JacquesThere must be a big overlap between imagination and mood.  I believe if you learn to work with your moods you could easily become inspired.I have no idea what direction you should take, but it feels wrong that you say you have no imagination. I have not seen that.  Sometimes we have to stop pathologising ourselves.

We all need instructions to start things off. Its like cooking. I used recipes and measuring devices for years before I felt I could just mix a bit of this and mix a bit of that and make unique dishes. Mind you I am not a great cook, just a good enough cook.

Twice I tried online dating sites but I couldnt stay on them very long. I just could not take them seriously.  I feel much more natural on this site taking it as it comes, just meeting people, responding and starting a few threads when I get an idea. Maybe it just means I am not ready for another relationship yet.

I like the relaxed attitude to gender I see on this site.  I grew up with 3 gay uncles so was highly indoctrinated pro gay and even experimented once with an artist in Sri Lanka.  She said I was too scared to admit I was a lesbian and so off I shot to London.  Maybe it was a label thing (MI or sexuality) I dont self identify gay, though cos dad died young I have a few more masculine traits, eg I started doing maths science and rode motor bikes (cos they were cheap). Partly the issue is I am too tall for many men as they like to feel strong.  I have analysed it and believe we all have bi tendencies. Adult sexuality is about choices.

I like Jung's concept about the journey humans have to integrate their anima and animus.

I was worried about my son's isolation, and he carries a little extra, but a year ago, a girl he met in a community arts group "seduced" him.  i am a bit scared as she is older than him and self harmed a bit, but I also really like her and we all got on.  She is in Finland at the moment, but skypes him a lot. Fingers crossed for them.

In my adolescence, sexual experimentation was a big thing.  Now there is more caution in the air as the consequences and limitations of the 60s sexual revolution have played out. I believe that is a good thing.  I dont buy into the big gay rights movement.  I think MI should be more front and centre in the national debates, but gays dont have time taken by child rearing so can be very active.  Now I am a bit backed off them as I was struggling with 3 small children under 10 and I had to listen to their rants and raves, felt genuine sympathy about AIDS epidemic etc, but got NO support, and lot of immature giggles.

Note my estranged daughter is in gay relationship with teacher from her high school who was proselytising, and bought her white goods, but "technically" it started after my daughter was 21. Teacher got invitro and twins were born in December. Its a crazy world.  My daughter knows I am not homophobic but picked on me about not knowing all the legal ins and outs for gay rights. She is just being cheeky to her mum.  I entertained her first gay girlfriend. We played scrabble together while they touched toes under the table. Hmmm.

Mostly I guess I am straight. I also experimented with being "celibate" when I was in mid 20s til I was presented with a 6 week old baby and had to take traditional gender role as I could not refuse her need, just after my sister died.

Since leaving marriage I have preferred to be single, but I dont close the door on relationships, just not quite ready yet.

Developing an arts practise takes heaps of imagination, but take heart from the video you posted.  There are lots of great people out there, doing all sorts of things.  I believe you can find your way too.

[Jacques]

maybe you are right, i have made some things, just can't remember now, my memory is so bad and it has been a long time since i have indulged in scale model building, maybe one day i will get back into it.

i have looked at online dating sites but i am too frightened to join.

i have no problem with whatever anyones sexual preferences are, as i have said live and let live, but i am sick of being labled because i have never had a girlfriend.  i would like to have a girlfriend just i can't because i am too frightened of getting a girl pregnant, and i am too frightened to be away from mum overnight, no one knows these things, i have never told anyone.  i am also worried about what impact my MI will have on a potential partner, i have seen what damage my MI has done to my mother, it has devistated her life and changed things forever.

sometimes i don't know why it bothers me so much, i just feel so much pressure to be like everyone else.

your son sounds like he has found a nice woman, i wish him well.  how is he getting on, i read the other week you were worried because he was a bit down.

i missed any sort of sexual experimentation, in my teens i was too scared to ask any girls out, and i never left my mothers home in my entire 20's and most of my 30's so i have no sexual experiance at all.

it is good you are so supportive of your daughter, their are so many people not suoortive because of their beliefs.  as long as she is happy, thats all that should matter.

oh i am so sorry to hear about your sister, sounds like you have had a really rough time re: family, i have no contact with either of my parents extended family.

it is good you are taking out time, devorce can take a toll, when i was at high school i had a friend going through a devorce, it was messy and nasty, maybe that is another reason i am so frightened

I think i just like looking and listening to art, as for finding my way, i think i am too far down the rabit hole for that.  my life for the past 14 years has been on such a downward spiral and seems to be going down hill fast.  I have lost any interest in being alive, for the past 6 years i have focused on death so much i just can't think of anything else.  it brings me peace and comfort just knowing i am staying around to look after my mother.  once my job is done their is no need for me to be here anymore.

[Appleblossom]

Maybe you could sculpt your rabbit hole? Just to pass the time .. you wouldnt want to sell it.

I guess fear about procreation and intimacy is with us all.  Sexuality is a potent force, it can be wise to be a bit cautious. The tough guys mess it up often worst of all. Evidence based on some of the women posting here.

I was sick of the conservative gender attitudes in my church and one day, I exclaimed.  "but what about male virgins! You know boys can be virgins too." (When my son still very isolated .. he is doing much better now, but still a little delicato.)

Then I linked sexual confusions in christianity to all the clerical sexual abuse and the Royal Commission. Cant say it made me popular. So I have backed off from that choir for a while. I tried to be nice and polite etc.

This week is NAIDOC week and we usually have indigenous dancers and a didge and message sticks so i might go in for solidaity with them. They remind me of my dad's mates.

We all gotta do what we all gotta do.

[Jacques]

lol, maybe.

yes i agree, but i never want to have children,  i am not the parenting type, their was very little affection when i was growing up, both my parents had tough lives, and showed no emotion or affection.  i know i was loved, but never told so.  i have always told myself if i ever meet a woman i would get a vesectomy to be sure their will be no children.

yes i never understand why women go for the "bad boys" when their are so many nice and kind men out their,  i would never abuse a woman but some men do that all the time,  they are so lucky to have a partner/family and they treat them like that. sometimes life is just not fair.

yes i agree with you, sexual repression is what makes people sexual preditors, seeing the huge attrocities have been done to so many people by the churches and church leaders is so distressing.  i was physically abused by a nun for over a year, i sometimes wonder if it was from sexual repression.  they seem so sedistic.

good for you, i hope you enjoy this week, it is good to have memories of your mum and dad,  i have started to forget my dad, he was a heavy smoker so when i am down the street and smell tobacco i think of him,  but i wish i could remember his german accent, i used to like the way he spoke.

[Appleblossom]

My son's girlfriend was uncertain about ever having relationships too, but its happened now., so I have just encouraged caring and honesty. Any more than that and my son would get upset with me for being too interfering.  We are close enough so some space is good. I dont need to know any more than he wants me to know. lol He has a dad and shrink to discuss those things with. If he wants to. its totally up to him. I will just nag him to put out the bins, pick up his clothes and do some dishes.

When I was  first studying at uni I used to walk past the cemetery where dad was buried so I chatted over the fence to him .. "Hi dad I'm still on my way to school." at 30, or "Its me again." it helped settle my grief for him.

How long ago did your dad pass away? I have a few German friends, I like their accents too.

[Jacques]

it is good your son has such support from you, you sound like such a good mum.  sounds like he has found someone nice.

yes i love going to the cemetary, their is something peaceful about it, i used to sit at the foot of dad's grave and have a couple of cigaretts, just stair into space and feeling totally at peace.

it is good it helped you with your greif, everyone has different ways of handling it.

my father passed away 2001.