14th year house bound

[hiddenite]

I know that describes YOU Jacques.

You are brilliant!!!

I can't believe you can make Danish pastries you are certainly one talented person.

I'm smiling now thank you

It's still strange that we can talk to one another here but if we passed each other in the street we'd do our best to avoid each other.

When I'm out now and I get scared I try to think of how kind,caring, thoughtful and compassionate you are and think that maybe they are like that. Sometimes it works.....

I'm ok tonight thanks for asking.

It's been such a busy week.

I'm still waiting from the mhu, they were going to see if I could go back in private....  They will have to make me involuntary if they want me back in the public system. I'm sure there are no beds available anyway.

The house renovations aren't going as fast as I had hoped. The stumping is a slow process and they say not to do any renovating for 6 weeks after its done,while the house settles.

I wish I could go away and have a break from everything for awhile. I'm just so exhausted and overwhelmed.

Hope you here rain really soon.

Do you have a tin roof?

I love the sound of rain....

So magical

[Jacques]

I know, if we where face to face i could not talk to you, i would be so scared of you, i would shake and everything.

I hope you do get comfort in that some people are nice, i still struggle to see people as anything but a threat to me.

I am glad you are ok, you have had a really tough couple of weeks, how is the vision?

I really hope you can get into private one, i think it would make all the difference.

Yes i could imagine it would be good to let the house settle, try not to rush things Karen, you wil lburn out if you push yourself too hard, maybe this is a good thing, it will alow you to take a break, you can still do small things to the house.

I really wish you could have a break too Karen, i am really worried you are doing too much.  it must be tough all on your own, juggling the house, the girls and your own troubles, i hope you find some peace talking to me and others.

it sounds like we will get rain in the next hour or so.

No tiled roof Karen, but the rain taps on the AC in the bedroom, i often open the curtains and listen to the rain, so soothing, and i love the smell too.

[hiddenite]

I love the smell of rain too. The girls were running outside trying to eat the hail as it fell. It's raining quite steadily now. The storm has passed.

Unfortunately I see everyone as a threat to me especially males but I'm trying except everything tells me that I can't be around anyone.

I hope you understand.

If I told anyone else they would think I'm crazy.

Vision is not great and really bothering me. I didn't drive today...

[Jacques]

OMG how cute, i used to do the same when i was a kid, it is amazing what i remember when you tell me about your girls, it makes me so happy to rmemeber some good times from my child hood.

Karen you are doing well, you are pushing yourself and challenging your thoughts, you had 2 tradies to your place this week. i know it must be so hard to deal with men from your past experiances.

I totally understand, i feel the same, but ifor me it is men and women i am frightened of, so at least you are only frightened of half the population, that has to be a small plus, i am finding it harder and harder to be around people, i find that i have nothing in common with anyone anymore, i have so badly ruined my own life Karen, it could have been so different.

I am glad you took a break from driving, i am begging you Karen, please see a doctor, before it gets any worse.

[hiddenite]

Yea mine is men and women as well, it seems to be getting worse.

I know the thoughts are so much worse now.

That if I don't suicide that I will depart anyway.

I can't stop this one now I feel consumed by it.

If I tell anyone they won't understand.

I'm sure in sure im losing my mind

Sorry j

[Jacques]

Oh Karen I am so sorry, did I upset you with something I said, you are not losing your mind, you have had a very tough life Karen, you hang In their, I need you and so do the girls.

Please just talk to me I understand Karen, I always have, I know the feeling of being consumed by fear. It feels like you are drowning, trying to fight you way to the surface, but you know what? One day we will reach the surface Karen, just keep fighting you way to the surface, we will swim together.

[hiddenite]

no Jacques you didn't say anything wrong I just needed to be able to tell someone who might understand.

It's just so overwhelming way to feel.

If I tell anyone I'll end up back in the mhu for sure.

I don't know why this is happening to me.

Oh and Jacques I want to see you live until your old and grey:-)

I never want anything bad happen to you

[Jacques]

I feel so honoured you feel comfortable enough to tell me this, i feel the exact same way,i know how overwhelming it is, we just need to keep fighting.

I know, i am too frightened to tell family how bad things are for the same reason.

Karen this is happening to you because of 24 years of abuse, it is not your fault, but you are paying the price, it is not faire you have to suffer so much.

Karen i don't know if i will make it that long, you have your two girls Karen, they need you, no one needs me, no one will ever need me. i know one day Karen you will get past all this, i just know it.

[hiddenite]

It's late j I better let you get some sleep.

Thanks for listening.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Take care my friend

Karen

[hiddenite]

I need you Jacques