Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hello All,

do you ever feel like you're watching from the outside or wonder if you're still living in this world? I often felt like this as a kid and throughout my life at difficult times and I have felt like it for a long time again now. I feel like I am not really here anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I died and just continue "being here" watching from the outside. I remember pinching myself as a kid until I ask myself as a teenager if I would even be able to judge whether the pinch was real or not. So I stopped pinching myself. I have hurt myself sometimes in the past to "feel something", but I've stopped that too. It doesn't seem to matter anymore.

Do you ever feel like this? It is like there is a thick sheet of plexiglass between me and the world. I functioned for a long time, but I only function "limited" now. I don't want to get out of bed. Then I get out of bed and write my daily planner and try to include self-care. I normally don't follow my planner or do much self-care, but at least I get out of bed and do something. And my brain is foggy and sometimes I struggle to speak properly. I try hard to say it right, sometimes I say words back to front, like "milk cream full" or "roll seed meal whole" and get funny looks. Sometimes I struggle to add up 5+3.I think that is the meds. Every now and then I have a good hour, or two and then I fall back into the same feelings. I considered ending it all many times, but even that feeling is not there anymore. Even life doesn't seem to matter anymore.

I'm just here. Watching from outside. Waiting for a moment I enjoy and endure the rest. Is that what it's gonna be like for the rest of my life?

[Former-Member]

Good evening All,

My happiest times are when I can watch a kids movie and then go to bed with my teddy. Watching the Big Friendly Giant tonight. I hope he brings me good dreams tonight x

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member I can relate to your sense of watching the world from the outside. My favourite movie is Finding Nemo. Does teddy watch movies with you? I pretty much always have my toy turtle with me. I don't watch a lot of tv, but turtle is usually on my lap while I'm working on the computer or anything, and he definitely always comes and snuggles under my weighted blanket with me when I go to bed.

[Former-Member]

@Phoenix_Rising

Does your turtle have a name? I have a unicorn. A rainbow coloured one. It doesn't have a name. I don't know why I don't name my cuddly toys. I probably think it's silly I still need cuddly toys. My unicorn sleeps with me, day or night. I love snuggling into it's head.

I love Finding Nemo. And I love the one where the house flies away with balloons with the old man and the kid. Sorry I am bad with naming movies. And I love the one where the show Joy, Anger, Sadness, ... in the kids head that has depression.

I'm in bed already, I didn't do much but sleep today but I feel like sleeping again. Good night 🦄

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Former-Member,

My turtle's name is Turtle. I used to always refer to him as "my turtle" but then my uni counsellor (who I had sessions with via skype) used to ask "where's Turtle" if she couldn't see him, and so somehow his name became Turtle.

A rainbow-coloured unicorn sounds super cool. I have quite a few cuddly toys, but Turtle is the one that I carry around a lot. I don't think there's anything in the world wrong with having cuddly toys @Former-Member. Turtle comes with me to my sessions with my psychologist and I've become pretty used to carrying him around in public and feeling ok about that, even though I know it is a-typical. I really like the phrase "those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." My psychologist works in a medical centre with the largest waiting room in the Universe and I can certainly feel everybody's eyes on me as I walk across the waiting room with Turtle (and my exercise book covered in Finding Nemo paper that my psychologist writes stuff in). However, I just tell myself, what the heck do I care what a bunch of random strangers think about me!

It's cool that you like Finding Nemo too. I'm not sure what movie you are talking about re. the house that flies away, but the other one you mention is "Inside Out." That is an excellent movie about managing big emotions. I know a lot of psychologists use it when working with kids. I enjoy that movie too. It helps me with my big feelings.

I hope you have had a restful day today @Former-Member 

[Tyler77]

I am pretty sure that is a psychological symptom called dissociation or dissociating.  It's common for people who are suffering or have suffered traumatic experiences.  Its really quite common, as no one seems to get through life unscathed.  I hope this gives you a name to the feelings.  I have often found that once i find the definition and name of the symptoms i am experiencing, I can read up on them and gain some insight...:)

[Former-Member]

Hello @Phoenix_Rising

I think it's awesome you carry turtle everywhere and you don't care. I don't even like my husband see that I sleep with my unicorn. I have other cuddly toys to and have also taken them to therapy (but hid them in my backpack until I went to session). I have TY tiny teddys in my handbag that I can touch and play with when I get nervous. I love their eyes. I am still ashamed to feel like a child.

The movie is called "Up"

How was your day? I tried to make space to do some art work in a room. I love drawing and making things and painting. I have a book I draw in when I'm distressed or don't know how to word things. I'm a terrible drawer but it makes me feel better and it helps to explain.

Hi @Tyler77, thank you for your explanation. I will have a look into that. My therapist has said that to me before that I do that in my sessions and then she calls out for me and stuff. I understand why it happens then, but I don't know why my life feels like that.

Good night x

[CheerBear]

Hi @Former-Member 🙂

I heard unicorn and had to come past! I love unicorns and rainbows and anything soft and furry. I also have a TY and my kids (like almost every kid at the moment) collect them. I LOVE their eyes. They're so sparkly and big. My TY is Rosie and she's a pink turtle. I got one for myself and one for a friend while we were both living together after something terribly traumatic happened. We called them our trauma turtles as it reminded me of my counsellor describing people who have experienced trauma as being a little like turtles who come out of their safe shell to assess the world around them for danger, retreat instantly when it isn't safe, and come out little by little when the world does seem safe. I met @Phoenix_Rising not too long after I got Rosie and I started feeling a lot less weird that I have a love of soft fluffy things (and I got a whole more meaning to add to the idea of turtles!). At the same time as Rosie happened, my friend and I also found giant unicorns (although mine is not technically a unicorn) on a ridiculous sale. For ages mine was sleeping with me because I was so alone at the time, sleeping in beds that weren't mine in places I was scared and didn't know, and my not-technically-unicorn helped me feel much better. Now mine sleeps at the bottom of one of my kid's beds because they need it more than I do at the moment. Right now my favourite thing is a pink fluffy blanket that I have with me as often as I can, and I carry a tiny purple and green turtle I made in my pocket most of the time. I too love Inside Out and Up, although I feel so sad watching the start of Up.

I can understand why it might feel silly sometimes to be an adult who still enjoys toys and things marketed at children, because I don't think it's something that's openly spoken of as often as it happens. Or maybe people are embarrassed to consider out-of-the-usual ideas that come from 'kid stuff', as they feel they need to just 'grow up'. Or maybe there's a heap of adults out there who just haven't yet discovered how therapeutic it can be to be a bit like a child sometimes. I don't think it's at all silly or something to be ashamed of though. I think that whatever helps is what is right for you, especially if that something doesn't hurt someone else (which I can't see any way a TY could unless you threw it at someone and it's hard eyes hit their face haha 😉 )

Hope you sleep well tonight MyMovie 🙂

[Former-Member]

Good morning @CheerBear @Phoenix_Rising @Tyler77

@CheerBearI am glad you came by. Unicorns are special. And I love rainbows, like on your CheerBear.

Some big bang woke me just now, and it was a huge bang. I could not find anything in the house and I won't go outside, it's still dark. But I can't sleep now. And the sad thing is, I could have just dreamt about the big bang. But I'm wide awake now.

Nowadays I go on the internet when that happens and I've got little teddys on my desk. I have a desk now, not a storage area. When I worked I just threw all the mail and bills and everything else on my desk and could never use it. Now it is all tidy, because I don't work.

I hate living with mental illness. I hate wondering if I can sleep, if I will wake up with a half decent mood or want to wake up at all, I hate being tired and thinking of my energy levels, and making decisions what is best for my mental health... And I hate the impact the meds have on my body and that they can make me die early, I hate the trial and error of meds, getting on them, getting off them and getting used to the side effects and withdrawals... Stupid mental illness!

Today will be a difficult day and I wish I could take my unicorn with me. When I grew up we had stories on tapes. I wonder if they still do that. I might just download some stories on my phone and listen to them today. And I'll take some of my TY bears. I love their eyes too. For me the sparkling eyes are like saying, everything is gonna be okay. My therapist never explained the turtle thing. I think I'm more an echidna. People better leave me alone when I curl up. But then I would be an angry echidna that can actually throw spikes at them. I am often angry. But also more angry with myself, so I would actually hurt myself, like an echidna that doesn't know where to throw the spikes or how to curl up properly. And then people come and pick me up as a spikey ball with gloves on and hurt me anyway. Not fair. I think I'm still sleeping as I write a lot of rubbish. I better stop now.

Hope you have a good day.

[Former-Member]

Sunrise is at 6:57 this morning. I guess the time now  is called dawn? I can see the sky lightening up with red and the sky is actually starting to become blue. I can see the outlines of the trees and hear the first birds chirping. I can see clouds in the background

Here comes another day and another restless night is over. I'm tired. And now the day is supposed to begin. I have to leave in an hour or so. From all the stress and worry I have dislocated a rib and my neck feels like there's sandpaper in between my joints. I've been trying since yesterday to get that stupid rib back in. I'm sick of going to doctors and chiro to put my bones back into place and get my head straight...