Hey,
I’m a chick in my mid twenties, dealing with moderate but long term mood disorders (dysthymia, social anxiety, general anxiety) for like, the past 10-15 years. Also diagnosed with combined adhd, and suspected dyscalculia.
I’m in a financially precarious situation, which means I can’t afford any mental health care except my monthly $7 antidepressant prescription 🤪
Moved from a small town to a huge city about 12 months ago. It’s helped a bit. But. It’s made me somehow even more lonelier than I thought was possible.
It’s gotten to the point where even the most surface level information about myself is embarrassing. ‘What do you do for a living?’ I’m a waitress. ‘What do you do for fun?’ Look at photos of my dead dog, write self insert fanfiction and watch fleabag for the 80th time all while eating a share size bag of maltesers. ‘Omg do you have a boyfriend?’ The thought of going on a first date makes me physically nauseous. ‘You’re so pretty, what’s your secret?’ Idk having no friends gives me a lot of time to screw around with makeup and being too depressed to eat keeps me slim. The rack is genetics. Sorry.
I don’t know. What to do except put one foot in another.
My resilience, my independence is praised even when I so openly talk about my mental illness. Maybe people would actually listen to my pleas for help if I started crying everywhere I went.
And I know it will get better. And it has gotten better but only fractionally and marginally so, at great emotional and financial expense.
But at the same time. I feel like I’ve lost my teens, my early twenties, to this sickness of the mind. A half-life. Spent asleep and crying and stuck in memory and self loathing more than anywhere else.
Whatever this has gotten way longer than I expected.
I’ll be fine. I’m just sick of currently feeling like shit.
